


let love be your energy

by aarobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 10:05:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15168344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarobron/pseuds/aarobron
Summary: alternative universe.aaron met his best friend, ella, when they were at school, and they've been attached at the hip ever since. and that's exactly why he can't understand how he let himself fall head over heels in love with her boyfriend.or,“Robert told me everything,” she says conversationally. She pauses, hesitant, before she takes his hand, her sharp red nails looking way out of place next to his skin. “Aaron, I know what’s been happening.”Aaron pulls a face, even though his heart is thudthudthudding in his chest. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says, trying to keep his voice light.“You love him,” she says. It’s matter of fact, like the sky is blue and the earth revolves around the sun. She’s accepted it, he thinks, even if he hasn’t himself. “Don’t you?”





	let love be your energy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iamarobronniffler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamarobronniffler/gifts).



> happy fandom compliments day, marie! i know you liked this fic when i sent you the very first part of it about three months ago, so i decided to dedicate it to you.
> 
> i hope you know how wonderful you are <3 
> 
> title from [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiBr33_FCAA) by robbie williams
> 
> happy reading! xo

Aaron loves Ella. She’s smart and funny and beautiful, and she loves him, and that, he supposes, is what makes a real best friend. They’ve been friends for almost ten years now - they met at school, when Ella transferred from somewhere in Leeds, and they’d cancelled each other out. Ella was popular and outgoing, but sensible enough that she wouldn’t get into trouble. Aaron was quiet but edging down the wrong side of criminal activity, so they’d managed to do each other good.

They’d been inseparable since the day they’d had that first tentative conversation in maths, and Aaron doesn’t see it changing any time soon. He’d half expected it, when they’d left school. Aaron stayed in his village and started working at his uncle’s garage, and Ella moved to Manchester for uni, but they’d made it work. There was trips and visits and so many parties.

There wasn’t anything that could come between them, and Aaron was certain of it. No other friends, no distance, and certainly no boys.

Which is why he cannot for the life of him understand how he let himself go and fall head over heels for Ella’s boyfriend.

Ignoring the _obvious_ problems with the situation, it isn’t exactly ideal. Robert’s straight, y’know, judging by the fact he’s got a girlfriend. He hasn’t so much as glanced in the direction of another man, and Aaron’s the type to notice these things. Not that he’s watching, or anything.

But back to the obvious: Robert is Ella’s boyfriend. They’ve been together for a little under two years, and they spend so much time together - and with Aaron. There’s blind double dates, the parties, the meals out. All because Ella doesn’t want him to be alone.

What she doesn’t realise is that he’s never lonelier than when he has to sit across the table from Robert and pretend he doesn’t love him.

He’s not going to burst in and fuck it all up for the pair of them. He’s happy, mostly, with his life right now, and it’s not like he couldn’t get a boyfriend - he just doesn’t want to.

That, his mind tells him, is because it feels a lot like he’s being unfaithful to Robert. But he tries not to dwell on that too much.  
Not to mention it feels like he’s betraying Ella.

Because this is where it gets difficult: he met Robert through Ella. He met him a month into their relationship, when she was still glowing and happy and well into the honeymoon stage, and that means he fell in love with Robert while he was his best friend’s boyfriend.

Two months into their relationship, if he’s being totally honest.

He’s disgusted at himself for it, appalled at the idea that he’s that kind of Judas. “No matter what,” Ella had said once, when their friendship was still blooming. She linked her little finger with his, and smiled a little drunkenly. “ _No one_ is ever going to come between us.”

He’d agreed.

Which is why he’s been ignoring his feelings for Robert - at least, until they turned into a rock hard weight, pressing on his chest until he could barely breathe for it.

.

Aaron thought house parties stopped when you turned eighteen - when you could finally, legally go down the pub - but for some reason, he’s 24, clutching a crate of beer, standing in someone he hasn’t seen since school’s house.

He didn’t want to come, but Ella had managed to convince him. She always does (not that he’d put up much of a fight), but this time, she’s hanging off Robert’s arm.

So, obviously, it’s going to be a fucking disaster of a night.

Robert looks unbelievable - out of place and maybe a little on the wrong side of 25, but where Ella goes he follows - in a smart blazer and white shirt. Aaron can smell the spice of his aftershave from the base of his throat, can see the beer-induced flushed to his cheeks. It’s nothing short of painful.

“Aaron!” Ella says, grabbing his arm as he walks past. She pulls him into a little corner, underneath a coat rack, and sways towards him drunkenly. “Turns out that Jamie’s just come out to everyone.”

“Who?” Aaron asks, uninterested and suffering. He knows that’s exactly why Ella made them come - her one woman mission to set him up with anything who’s even the slightest that way inclined. 

“The person who’s throwing the party, idiot!” She says, laughing loudly. She tucks her hand in the crook of his arm and pulls him back into the mess of people, eyes glinting at him as she leads him towards Jamie.

Yeah. A fucking disaster.

.

Aaron’s about four drinks past tipsy. He’s probably too drunk, if he’s being honest, but sometimes, Robert smiles at Ella, and something clenches low in his belly. He hates the feeling.

It happened again - with a little more touching, not that there’s anything against it, all things considered - and he found himself making up an excuse about needing air.

Which is why he finds himself in the garden, legs hanging off the edge of the decking as he cradles a bottle of beer between his thighs. His cheeks are flushed hot from the alcohol, but the rest of him is cold, tiny little shivers travelling through his body each time the wind picks up.

It’s the perfect place for a little self-deprecation. He’s mentally berating himself (not for the first time that night) for being so fucking stupid and falling in love with Robert, for not being able to handle seeing the couple all over each other, when he hears the back door close softly.

Great. Company. Exactly what he doesn’t want.

“You alright?” Robert asks softly, easing himself onto the floor beside Aaron. He smiles a little lopsidedly, hand grasping Aaron’s shoulder, and the younger man wants to shake it off. He wants to scream and run away and hide.

“’M fine,” He says, a little slurred, taking a swig of his beer. He uses the ermovement to subtly move away from Robert’s hand, and his entire body sighs with relief when it works. “Just getting some air.” 

“Aaron,” Robert says. When Aaron glances over, his eyes are shining serious, and his mouth is set in a straight line. “You know you can talk to me, yeah?” 

Because they’re friends. Because somewhere between the start of his and Ella’s relationship and Aaron falling for him, they’d forged a friendship - a close one, one where Aaron didn’t have to bullshit. One where he could tell Robert anything.

But how things have changed.

He nods but doesn’t look at Robert, thumbing the ring of the bottle. The beer is warm now, too warm for him to enjoy, but he drinks it anyway. Just for something to do - just so he doesn’t do something stupid.

“Hey,” Robert says, catching Aaron’s arm as he lowers the bottle. The younger man makes a show of pretending he’d forgotten Robert was there, and raises one eyebrow, but he keeps his eyes firmly on the collar of his shirt. “I mean it, Aaron. I care about you.”

Aaron smiles, a little crooked, self-deprecating thing, and sighs. “Yeah, I know,” he says. Robert smiles back, bright and brilliant and a little tipsy around the edges, and then does the last thing Aaron’s expecting.

He leans in, and presses their lips together.

It’s a soft kiss at first, chaste and short, and Robert pulls back. The smile’s gone from his face, and now, he looks somewhere between awed and shaken. Aaron understands that. He feels exactly the same.

But it doesn’t stop Robert. He sweeps forward again and kisses Aaron, tongue running along the length of the younger man’s lower lip until he opens his mouth.

And there’s a voice in Aaron’s head, one that sounds suspiciously like Ella, swearing at him and telling him he shouldn’t do this, but the taste of Robert’s mouth drowns it all out.

He fists his hands into Robert’s jacket and pulls him closer. He doesn’t think about it.

But then Aaron’s worst fears become reality. The voice steps outside his head, settles just outside the back door, from the body it belongs to - teary and emotional, with a drunken wobble.

“What the fuck is going on?” Ella asks. Her eyes are wet and her mouth is downturned at the corners, and she looks like she doesn’t really know what’s happening but she’s staring at them all the same.

“Ella,” Robert breathes, still hovering a few inches away from Aaron. There’s a shine on his lower lip, wetted by the younger man’s own mouth, but his eyes are frantic and his hands are shaking. “It’s- It’s not what you think.” 

Ella's jaw drops, the shock of it all written over her face. Aaron understands it. Sympathises, even. Hates himself for putting that expression there, but there's not exactly anything he can do about it now, even though he wishes he could jump in a time machine and stop himself falling in love with Robert. 

"Then _why_ exactly are you kissing my best friend!?" She spits, pointing a furious finger in Robert's direction. She glowers at him, even though her bottom lip is trembling, and Aaron doesn’t think he’s ever seen her this angry. “And as for _you_ -"

She angles her body towards Aaron and finally meets his eye, but as soon as she does, her anger drops and her face crumples. The tears start, mascara spidering down her cheeks as her breath hitches on sobs.

“How could you do this to me?” She whispers, something a lot like horror sitting in her voice. Aaron doesn’t know what to say, where to look, how to breathe. He doesn’t _know_ \- doesn’t know a single thing about what he did. He opens his mouth to tell her as such, but she snaps, “save it!”

And turns.

And leaves.

.

Aaron doesn’t sleep that night. The alcohol in his stomach burns and the room spins every time he closes his eyes, but he has a suspicion that it’s not just the beer. No, he knows exactly what it is.

He doesn’t sleep the night after that, either. He decides the best plan would be to let it all calm down: to let Robert talk his way out of it like he does everything else, or maybe to even explain _why_ exactly he thought it’d be a good idea to kiss Aaron.

Because Aaron was powerless, wasn’t he? He couldn’t help himself – not with the way he feels about Robert.

Even thinking that makes him feel sick, because he knows the part he played in it. He can’t stop running it through his head: Robert’s kind words, the soft look in his eyes, the taste of his mouth. The way Aaron finally felt like he belonged, for the first time in his life. He feels empty without it, now. Just a split second of the feeling, and he’s craving it like water.

One day goes by, then two, and then another three, until it’s been a full week since the incident (capitalised: The Incident, because it’s important. Formative, and, if Aaron’s fears come to light, life-destroying), and he hasn’t heard a single thing from Ella or Robert.

He decides to take matters into his own hands. But in the cowards way, of course, because he can only do confrontation with his fists. He texts Robert, simply says _we need to talk_ , and waits until Robert replies with a time and place. 

He decides that he should handle Ella after he knows what Robert’s told her. 

Robert’s sitting exactly where he said he would be, on a bench in the middle of the park. It’s a sunny day, nice and warm – way too nice for breaking off whatever tentative thing is going on between Aaron and Robert – but he approaches the older man anyway, and sits next to him, leaving space between them that feels like it’s stretched for miles.

“You okay?” Robert asks, breaking the silence. There’s a small smile playing around the corners of his lips, but his eyes are glinting with something deadly serious. Like maybe he’s actually been worried about Aaron, like he’s been thinking about him.

The thought is too ridiculous to entertain, so Aaron pushes it away.

“Been better,” Aaron says. He can’t keep the snappiness out of his tone because seriously, what a stupid question, but Robert just raises an eyebrow. Aaron’s defences drop with that single look. “I feel like shit, Robert.” 

"I know," Robert says, the smile dropping from his face. He looks awful, dark smudges under his eyes like bruises and hollow cheeks like he hasn't slept or eaten. "I'm sorry I put you through that."

"What about Ella?" Aaron asks without thinking about it. He doesn't know why Robert said about _him_ \- Ella is the one he hurt. The one they both hurt. He backtracks at the confused look on Robert's face, because he doesn't want this to go even worse than it already is. "I mean, have you spoken to her?"

"A little bit. She mostly told me where to shove it," Robert says, a dampened laugh escaping from his lips. He doesn't sound happy - quite the opposite, actually - but he also doesn't sound _that_ bothered. Just slightly hesitant. "Aaron..."

Robert trails off into silence, staring at his shoes as he leans into Aaron's space like he can't help himself. Like he can't stay away.

"What?" Aaron says when the quiet air becomes unbearably suffocating. He doesn't know how to break this weird thing between them, the thick tension.

"Me and Ella haven't been good for a while," Robert says quietly, so soft that Aaron can barely hear. The younger man shifts in closer until there’s not even an inch between them, because Robert’s face is turned away and the wind is carrying his voice in the opposite direction. “I came out to her a few months ago.” 

Aaron can’t help the surprise from taking over his features, jaw dropping to the floor and eyes widening slightly. He schools his face back into a neutral expression, but not before Robert manages to catch it and roll his eyes playfully. “You’re-“ Aaron starts, but the older man cuts him off by nudging his knee.

“I’m bi,” he says, careful pride under his tentative words. He smiles a little, more real this time, and some of the colour returns to his cheek. Aaron gets it; he feels the exact same every time he has to come out to someone new. Like the world hasn’t ended this time around. “I like both.” 

“That’s- That’s amazing, Robert,” Aaron says, reaching over and squeezing his knee. Because through it all – _despite_ it all – he and Robert are still friends. Close friends, in fact, and Aaron’s never happier than when one of his friends can be himself. “I’m proud of you.” 

“But- Aaron,” Robert says. His voice is back to soft again, like he needs to break some bad news. Like that time Ella was in a minor car accident, and Robert was the one who called. “Ella… She wasn’t good about it. She didn’t take it well.” 

“She was fine when I came out,” Aaron protests. He’s not trying to belittle Robert’s experiences, _really_ , he’s not, but he just can’t imagine his best friend ever being like that. She’s not a _homophobe_. “Even if she did try to set me up with every single gay guy she vaguely knew.” 

“You’re not her boyfriend!” Robert snaps, looking anguished. He lets the expression drop from his face until his mouth is a straight line, eyes deadly serious as he grips Aaron’s hand like a lifeline. “I know you don’t want to believe it, Aaron, but she didn’t throw me a party. In fact, she threw me out.” 

Aaron takes a minute to let it sink in. He can feel his body shrinking back, mind working overtime as he tries to process it. It just doesn’t seem _right_ , doesn’t feel like he even knows Ella anymore. “What did she say?” He asks, voice small. 

“She said if I lied about that, then what else can I lie about?” Robert says with a desperate laugh tacked onto the end. He looks like a man at the end of his wits, a man who doesn’t know where to go from here. “And then- and then she said some things I really don’t want to repeat, and then she told me to get out and never come back.” 

“Did you sort things?” Aaron says, staring at Robert’s fingers on the back of his hand. They’re shaking, he notes, and he looks up at the older man’s face, but he won’t meet his eyes.

“Sort of?” Robert says, voice lilting at the end like he’s not entirely sure himself. He moves away and tucks both of his hands between his thighs, in a move that Aaron knows means he’s uncomfortable. “We were getting there, I guess, but it was just for the sake of it. We’re never going to be good again.”

Aaron dips his head and gazes at his shoes, keeping his mouth shut as he mulls over Robert’s words. “Is that why you kissed me?” He asks eventually, not even daring to look up. 

“That’s a part of it,” Robert says, surprise coating his words even if they’re entirely truthful. He takes in a deep breath, like he’s about to say something else, when he suddenly jolts back. “Shit- Fuck- I have to go meet Ella, Aaron, I’m already late.”

He stands without saying anything else, and Aaron finally risks a glance up. Robert’s patting down the pockets of his coat to check he has everything, even though Aaron’s fairly sure he didn’t take anything out.

“I’ll call you, okay?” He says, squeezing the younger man’s shoulder with a gentle smile. His cheeks are flushed pink, but Aaron doesn’t understand. It’s not even cold out. “I’ll see you later.”

He turns and leaves, and Aaron watches every step he takes until he’s out of sight.

.

Aaron’s in his oldest joggers watching telly when the doorbell goes. He quickly turns Love Island off, because it’s a guilty pleasure, and honestly, no one needs to know that he watches it. He can only imagine the shit Adam would give him. 

He opens the door half expecting to tell some salesman to fuck off, but before he’s even opened his mouth Ella is barging her way in. “Can I come in? Thanks,” she says, sitting on the sofa with her legs crossed. 

“What- What are you doing here?” He asks, staring dumbfounded as he closes the door behind her. He doesn’t know what to do: where to sit or what to say, so he stays where he is, back resting against the wooden door.

“Are you watching Love Island again?” She asks with a raised eyebrow, gaze tracking over his body disapprovingly. “Well, aren’t you going to offer me a brew?” 

“I, er, sorry,” he stutters over his words, heading over to the kitchen and flicking the kettle on. He busies himself with making the tea purely so he doesn’t have to look at her, so he can put off the inevitable conversation. “Here.” 

She takes a sip and smiles, but nothing about it is bitter or sarcastic. She seems genuinely grateful. “You always did make a great cuppa,” she says, putting the mug on the coffee table and patting the space beside her. “Come sit down.” 

“Ella,” Aaron says carefully, even as he sits down. He watches her face, but there’s nothing negative there. Nothing sad or angry, which is how he would be feeling if he was in her position. She just looks open, honest. “What are you doing?” 

“Robert told me everything,” she says conversationally. She pauses, hesitant, before she takes his hand, her sharp red nails looking way out of place next to his skin. “Aaron, I know what’s been happening.” 

Aaron pulls a face, even though his heart is thudthudthudding in his chest. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says, trying to keep his voice light.

“You love him,” she says. It’s matter of fact, like the sky is blue and the earth revolves around the sun. She’s accepted it, he thinks, even if he hasn’t himself. “Don’t you?” 

There’s a denial ready to go on the tip of his tongue. It could be so easy to let it fall out of his mouth, to swear until he’s blue in the face that he doesn’t, but that’s the thing about Ella. That’s the thing about best friends.

She knows him far too well.

“Yeah,” he admits, barely a breath of the word. He drops his head to hide his shame, to hide the way his cheeks flush red, but her fingertips are gentle as they grip his chin and lift his face back up. “I’m sorry.” 

He doesn’t realise he’s crying until she’s wiping the tears away with her thumb, a frown turning her mouth down at the corners. “ _Hey_ ,” she says forcefully, holding his chin a little tighter. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Aaron. If I'm being honest, I think you and him are a better match anyway.” 

“What?” He asks, searching her face for any kind of sign that she’s taking the piss. He doesn’t find anything: just an honest look in her eyes and a sincere smile. 

“He loves you too, you know,” she says, ignoring his confusion. Her fingertips stroke along his jaw to curl around the back of his neck, like she’s not going to let him run away from this. Aaron would be grateful, if he knew what was going on.

“No he doesn’t,” Aaron says, frowning. Of course he doesn’t – why would a person like Robert love someone like _him_? It doesn’t make any sense. “He loves you, Ella. He’s your boyfriend.”

“That doesn’t matter,” she says, waving her free hand dismissively. She gives his chin a little shake. “Aaron, I know both you and Robert more than you know yourselves. And I know for a _fact_ that you’ve both been pathetically in love with each other for ages.” 

“But what about you?” Aaron says, voice tiny. There’s parts of his brain fighting, arguing over each other, until it all becomes a mess in his head: _Robert wants you, but Ella will be hurt, but you want Robert_.

“Me and Robert have been over for a long time,” she admits softly, dropping her hand to his knee. She still doesn’t look upset, just - maybe - hopeful. “At this point, it’s more of a convenience. We just… We just don’t love each other.”

She’s silent for a minute, then another, with a thousand yard stare at a spot on the wall behind his shoulder until she snaps out of it. “But that doesn’t mean _you_ shouldn’t love each other, okay?” She says, drawing him towards her in a tight hug. She kisses his cheek before she stands, clutching her handbag. “Right, I best be off.” 

He walks her to the door, still in a little bit of a daze, and catches her fingers with his own before she can push the handle down. “Thank you,” he says seriously, pulling her into another hug. “Thank you for being so understanding.” 

“That’s what friends are for!” She sing-songs, squeezing his shoulders tightly. Then she grins widely, and opens the front door, and there’s

Robert

standing there

with a hopeful expression on his face.

“Robert-“ Aaron starts, then stops. He shakes his head and closes his eyes, to make sure he’s not seeing things, but the older man is still standing there when he opens again. “What are _you_ doing here?” 

“Oh, didn’t I mention it?” Ella says before Robert has a chance to say anything. Her grin turns cheeky, and she pokes both of them in the chest. “He dropped me off here – and also waited in the car. But now I’m going, so you two can sort yourselves out. Aren’t I the best friend ever?”

“Ella, wait,” Aaron says, stumbling over his words in a rush to get them out. “How are you getting home?” 

“Don’t worry about me,” she says lightly, patting his shoulder a couple of times before not at all subtly shoving Robert towards him. She smiles again, this time at Robert. “I need a stiff drink anyway. Been a rough day, you see.”

And then she’s gone, the door slamming with an echo behind her. 

“Hi,” Robert says. He sounds nervous, not at all like the confident persona he usually puts at the forefront. He scratches at his neck, standing on Aaron’s doorstep like a teenage boy about to ask someone on a date. “How are you?” 

“Robert,” Aaron breathes. He can feel tears prick behind his eyelids, can feel a couple roll down his cheeks. It’s so overwhelming, all of things. He didn’t think he’d ever get to have it, let alone to have it with Ella’s blessing. “Is it true? Is what Ella said true?” 

“Aaron,” Robert repeats, gently mocking as he steps forward. He keeps walking until Aaron has to follow suit and his back hits the wall, then curls his fingers around the younger man’s neck. “I love you, Aaron Dingle. I have for a while – embarrassingly long, really, but I was too scared to say anything because I was too scared to come out. So I stayed with my girlfriend because it was easier than admitting who I really am, and I stayed friends with you because I couldn’t lose you.

“It hasn’t been easy, and neither was coming out, but loving you was – _is_ – the easiest thing I’ve ever done. You’re the reason I told people, actually. I thought that if I could do that, then maybe I could work up to telling _you_. And it worked because the world didn’t end: not when I said I was bi, and not when I told Ella about how I feel for you. So there you go, in my own words: I love you.” 

Aaron brings a hand up to his mouth to try cover the splitting grin that’s spreading across his face, but Robert catches it and tangles their fingers instead. “I love you too,” he breathes, and barely has the chance to laugh before Robert pushes forward and kisses him.

“I’m looking forward to figuring out the rest with you,” Robert murmurs when he pulls away, forehead resting against the younger man’s. He leans in again, catches Aaron’s mouth with a gentle kiss.

He tastes like peppermint and whiskey, the dutch courage Aaron knows he needed before he came here. He tastes like the future, like love.

Like Aaron’s finally found the place where he belongs.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ [aarobron](http://aarobron.tumblr.com/) xo


End file.
